Whether you’ve been outside the dating game for a few weeks, months, years, or decades, coming back out there is a difficult task, especially if you’re unsure of how to begin dating afresh. Common sense could tell you to be vulnerable, expose yourself to probable rejection, and be cool with kissing a few frogs in the way of seeking a compatible companion. Does it seem intimidating? If that’s the case, that’s OK because it can be daunting.

The mere concept of going out on a date after a difficult split, divorce, or extended dry spell may cause anxiety. For one thing, where do you even begin? Do you want to sign up for a dating app? Why not hire a matchmaker? How about slipping into people’s DMs? In theory, any of those tactics may work, but a few professionals provide their suggestions below to help you feel more secure in your aim to learn how to start dating again. Continue reading to discover their best advice for coming back that are out once and for all.

Your 12-step guide for how to start dating again

1. Delete All The Past Experiences

Perhaps there is no use in saying, but before you return to the dating world, you must be over your prior relationship in order to officially shut that chapter in your life. Without taking this necessary step toward making new relationships, you risk being trapped in the past or dragging that emotional issues with you on your relationships.

“Turn the page, move on to the next chapter,” advises Tammy Shaklee, relationship specialist, and H4M Matchmaking’s LGBTQ+ matchmaker. “There was more to the story: Your life is a succession of chapters, some more pleasant than others, some more tragic.” But keep flipping the page and growing from your experiences and lessons.”

2. Reconnect with what you enjoy doing.

When you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you may have dissociated, at least in some ways, what you enjoy doing as an individual from what you enjoy doing as a pair. That is why Shaklee suggests reconnecting with yourself and making a list of what brings you, and you first, delight. It may be riding a bike, going to the farmers’ market, making a new supper recipe, or anything else. This practice will not only assist you in coming up with exciting date ideas, but it will also assist you in identifying mutual interests you may have with possible companions.

3. Love Yourself First

Before you think about how to start dating again, concentrate on identifying self-love, since you can’t love another person unless you first love yourself. “Be proud of who you are now,” Shaklee advises. “On your journey, cherish your persistence. Celebrate who you’ve become as a result of the various life chapters you’ve lived. Remind yourself that you are single and eligible.”

4. Discover All The Future Possibilities

Starting to meet before you’ve determined what you want in a mate is like driving without knowing where you’re going. Relationship therapist Laurel House advises becoming clear about your non-negotiable wants in a partner and a relationship before going on your first date. To that point, she emphasizes the distinction between needs and desires: “Needs are what you need, or else the relationship would fail,” she explains. Feeling protected, seductive, and noticed, as well as being able to participate in a two-way conversation, are examples of these. Wants, such as physical traits, are like the cherry on top; they’re great, but they’re not an essential component of the relationship’s foundation.

5. Make Sure To Be Ready Before You Show up—but not too much time

Bouncing back into dating before you’re fully ready, according to House, is not a prescription for success. You may still be carrying unpleasant feelings from a previous relationship, which may show up on dates with possible partners. So don’t be scared to go slow when it comes to getting back out there. That being said, don’t put it off for too long. Not feeling ready yet can rapidly become an excuse that keeps you from fulfilling your love potential and destiny. “Some of us feel lonely in our box, but we become so accustomed to it that we are frightened to leave,” she explains. So, set a deadline for yourself and try your best to meet it.

6. Rekindle your passion for something you enjoy.

That is to say, is there a timetable for getting back out there? Is there a science to determining how long you should wait before dating again? No, not always. The only rule you should follow is that you should only do it when you are ready, not when others tell you to. Yes, this includes your friends, family, the Instagram post announcing your ex’s new relationship, and so on.

“Knowing whether you’re ready to date again is an internal process that only you have,” says relationship specialist Susan Winter. “Jumping in too soon might jeopardize your newly discovered steadiness.” Feeling helpless, dependent, or lonely is a prescription for catastrophe. Any companion drawn into your area at this time is picking up on the wrong frequency and will make you feel like a victim of your own needs.”

7. Acknowledge a lack of courage in your dating life.

So, once again, how can you know whether you’re ready? When the thought of sitting across from a stranger and wondering how many relatives they have doesn’t make you cringe.

“You’ll feel emotionally ready to date when you’re no longer afraid to explore romantic prospects,” adds Winter. “Emotional survival requires resiliency. Your feeling of curiosity must outweigh your sense of risk. This is a privilege only available to the emotionally secure.”

8. Finally Give yourself permission to reintroduce yourself to the dating scene.

So you’ve recovered from your breakup and increased your self-love—now what? House advocates allow you to re-enter the dating scene. To do this, take out an actual piece of paper and make yourself a permission slip to go on dates. This may appear to be extremely straightforward, if not ridiculous, yet many people believe they must wait for anything external, such as a sign, to approve their decisions. In reality, all they need to do is decide for themselves.

9. Toss the rules of dating out the door.

If it’s been a long time since you’ve dated, don’t feel obligated to learn all the latest dating etiquette. “Do not do what you believe you should,” House advises. “Instead, do what feels good and right to you.” Allow your instincts to lead the way.

10. Keep the discussion casual at first.

On the first date, telling your entire life story? Perhaps not the finest idea ever. Shaklee says that on the first few dates, keep the talk lighter and save the more important themes for the fourth date. “You don’t want to frighten the other person away by giving (or asking) too much too soon,” she advises.

11. Try all the different ways of meeting people

If you’re passionate about ways to start dating again, House suggests not leaving things to chance and taking advantage of every opportunity to meet new individuals. Try dating apps, in-person meet-up groups, working with a matchmaker, signing up for an interesting class, or simply making yourself accessible to connect with someone while you’re in line at the grocery store. Also, take advantage of your network. Don’t be scared to be open and tell your pals beyond your immediate group that you’re single in case they know of someone.

12. Take Your Time and Don’t Rush

Relationships are not a race to the finish line. It’s a procedure. Finding the perfect person and getting to know them takes time. That is why Shaklee advises finding delight in the process rather than rushing it. “Even if it doesn’t turn out to be a romantic or love connection, you could make a new friend,” she explains.

When it comes to placing yourself back on the market, it’s the difference between mounting a gradual and steady staircase and riding an elevator to the top of an unfinished level. And, sure, it is exhausting. The essence of the approach, though, is to let the preceding chapter end before constructing a cocoon of self-love. Listen to your heart within that cocoon and attempt to discern when you’re ready for a relationship again. After that, give yourself permission to go over there with a bit of patience. You’ve got it.